I usually have no idea what day it is, but I know that today is Easter. And although I’m usually able to keep up with the break neck emotional pace of Holy Week, Ramona’s illness is still heavy on my heart today. I just can’t get from despair to elation in three short days the way I used to.

Someone mentioned yearning as a bonus grieving stage. I think that’s so true, I am chock full of it. The best I can describe my yearning is this: It’s a mixed up feeling where the anticipated joy of the future I was expecting intersects with the disappointment of our reality. Maybe that’s why Easter feels so bittersweet this year. As ungrateful as it sounds, the joyful promise of life everlasting just reminds me of how crappy things are today.

And usually right behind the yearning comes regret. And then some anger. And shame. You name it, my yearning, my regret and most of my other icky feelings are all springing from the same rotten root. My foolish pride. The pride that says the future I had planned for myself is better than what God has for me. The pride that says I should be in control and decide the fate of my children.

Where has my humility gone, my gratitude? On this day, the celebration of our redemption, I should acknowledge that no matter what happens to Ramona in this life our family is bound together by victory over death, right? That we will someday understand in full the beauty of God and of His creation. Why do I bend with every wind that blows in the face of such an amazing and unshakable promise?

I was asking Andy if he felt I just needed to have more faith, “If I was more humble, would this be easier?” He didn’t say yes. He didn’t say no. He said, “It just hurts, that’s all. Let’s pray.” We prayed for humility for the two of us, protection for Ramona and peace for our whole family. I am praying for all of you today too. Praying that the renewal this season brings will be powerful. That the promise it makes will bring peace. And that the miracle it is will mean healing.

Happy Easter, Jane.