Mon 7 May 2007
On Keeping Score
Posted by Jane under Updates
[14] Comments
I yelled at the fence guy today. He is doing a very crappy job, I want it better and I’m not going to pay him until it’s right. That’s what I should have said. Instead I told him I was busy taking care of Ramona and Simon and didn’t have time to babysit him too.
I find myself doing that lately. Wondering if the guy who cut me off in traffic would be horrified if he knew “what I was going through”, maybe send flowers. And then I have to wonder, “What if that guy was rushing to the ER with his own child?” Then I’m the jerk. It’s easy to start keeping score like that.
I think I mostly catalog my life as a series of aquisitions and losses. I got a degree, got married, got pregnant, lost the baby, etc. I don’t usually list the blessings in that retelling of my life: Our solid marriage, relative financial security, beautiful home, amazing friends and family. Those are all just a given most of the time, like “Duh! Of course we have a great house, we work really hard!” Who am I kidding? We are lucky. Lucky that we still have choices, lucky that we’re surrounded by such support and love, lucky that our own hearts keep beating through all of this.
Poor fence guy. For all I know he suffers from Fensus Crappiolla’s Syndrome and is heroically trying to do his best under difficult circumstances. And it’s not his fault he walked into the perfect storm of home repair+PMS+skipped naps. Sheesh. I should be grateful that we’re getting a nice new fence.
I need to stop with the ungrateful-state-of-my-heart posts. Even writing this post feels a little self-indulgent. You’d think at some point I’d internalize some sense of humility and gratitude and stop being such a baby. But I have a feeling I’m just going to keep going there, feeling entitled to special treatment and pity.
Anyhoo. We’re making progress with the G tube thing. Ramona will be cleared for the surgery by cardiology on Thursday and we’ll make an appointment for a surgical consult tomorrow. Please pray that all will go smoothly and we’ll have her looking less tubey in no time. Please pray also that the G tube will reignite her interest in eating by mouth. And that her arteries are growing. And that she’s getting stronger. And that I’ll stop keeping track of who’s life is easier/harder than ours.
Love, Jane.
P.S. This picture of Simon just cracks me up because he looks so inebriated. Must be all the fruit. Good times.
Simon looks like he’s going to start singing like Shooby!
Love you guys…all the time….
ang
those are lady killin’ eyes. any moment toddler girls will be knocking your door down with apple juice and graham crackers for simon.
~~must obey Simon!~~
what a cutie!!
Great picture.
Oh no not Schooby again. How Great Thou Art will never be the same.
Jane, I, too often keep track of who has the harder/easier life. I am continually reminded of the chapter in A horse and his Boy by C.S. Lewis where Avaris asks Aslan if any more harm will come to her stepmother’s slave because of what she(Avaris ) did. Aslan replies “Child…I am telling you your story, not hers. No one is told any story but their own” When I am tempted to compare lives I need to remember that my journey is not to be compared with someone else’s. There are places that I need to grow or be refined…things that I should let go of…and that is part of my story.
When I was first put on bedrest 4 weeks ago I felt guilty when i would tell people how hard this was going to be…I know a lot of people who are going through more difficult things every day…but as I sit in my chair and have meals delivered and my laundry done for me and my floor swept for me…I am learning to say this is hard…I have lost control. I cant hide things that I would like to hide. And I know deep down I am changing and that I dont need to compare myself with others because this is my story. I am learning a new humility….but not being humiliated. Bedrest in an odd sort of way is becoming a blessing for our family…and I think in many ways for the community that has surrounded us.
I am praying for all of you!
Blessings,
Nicole
Jane
Lifting you, Andy, Ramona and Simon in prayer .
Love
Aunt Ro
The thing with Fensus Crappiolla syndrome is that, while serious, it’s easily treatable if not curable, with a few rounds of the-truth-may-hurt-but-you-need-to-build-me-a-decent-fence treatment. He’ll be fine by mid-late fence.
Jane, the same kind of thing just happened to me. This lady was really mean to me in the parking lot at the mall after Drew’s echo. She really upset me and I thought, “If she knew where I just came from I wonder if she would have said the same things.” But I didn’t even stop to think what might have been going on with her to make her overreact. Thanks for the insight.
That photo is awesome!
And I like your posts, even if *you* feel that they are ungrateful or self-pitying sometimes. I think they just point to how you are human and you’re working it all out — quite well, in fact.
I want some of what Simon’s havin’ for sure!!
Jane, you’re not being a baby – just honest and that’s what we’re called to. Transparency is a choice, like love. Thank you.
And, luck has nothing to do with life. God gives and takes away. And its all about love. Appreciating you today – with much love.
Jackie
I agree Jane, you’re not being a baby. But if you’re becoming irked with your own score keeping, don’t beat yourself up about it. Blah – whatever. So you’re cranky and snapping at the fence dude. Breathe out the crankiness and breathe in some of what Simon is having…
I still love ya.
Molly
I also tend to silently compare lives with other women. For awhile I couldn’t be friends with anyone whose baby slept better than mine! That eliminated alot of people because sleep was/is a big challenge for our household. After spending about a year complaining about it, I decided that if sleep is my biggest problem, I’m really blessed/lucky/whatever. Then I started to articulate things my kids are good at (smiling, no allergies, expressing their needs). As my mother told me in middle school, there will always be someone prettier and someone not as pretty, someone faster and someone not as fast, someone with better grades and someone with not as good grades. It’s true that your life has some unique elements, but God has also uniquely gifted you to push through them. Thanks for being open to how difficult the process is.
Hey Jane, I know theres probably not much I can say to make you feel better, just know that your allowed to feel they way your feeling, you have been going through alot and no one blames you. I Love you so much!!!
Eva
simon looks like lance did on one of our first dates following the consumption of SEVEN desserts – and i still married him. ramona is in our prayers daily. thinking positively about strong blood flow through her arteries which we pray are growing to keep up with her adorable self. as for the fence guy, do you think he’s trying to pull a Tom Sawyer and has his character description all goofed up? hmmmmmm.