It’s probably a bad idea to post when you’re angry. This is one of those posts that should never be mailed.

My anger feels dangerous. This morning, while trying to get Ramona ready to go to the pediatrician, Andy took over so I could give Simon his bottle. He’s working from home today and can step away for a few minutes from time to time to help. Well, within about 5 minutes Ramona had spit up on her special doctor-day dress and was all upset and exhuasted. I was furious. Not bummed. Not a little aggravated. Furious. I was thinking, “Doesn’t anybody but me know how to take care of her? I’m never going to be able to have time to myself. Now we’re going to be late.” What I said was, “Oh, great. Thanks a lot”, as if it was his fault that she threw up.

I packed Ramona in the car and headed out. She threw up again, was having trouble breathing and I had to turn around. No problem, I’ll reschedule. Except that she needs a methadone refill and it can’t be called in, it can’t be faxed in, and she runs out in a day and a half.

How do I get it all done and have something left over for my marriage or myself? I was pretty flaky and disorganized before all of this happened. I was terrible at meeting deadlines, rarely finished projects I started and struggled even to keep up with my emails. I’ve got 842 emails in my box right now, I kid you not. But I always managed to scrape by. I’m enthusiastic, I’m a smooth talker and I can get a lot done in a short amount of time. Not because I’m organized, but because I’m a steam-roller.

But now that things are so difficult here it seems my best just isn’t cutting it. I feel like I’m a disappointment to Andy in many ways, I’m never on top of the housework and I wonder if Simon and Ramona are getting what they need. Not to mention the ways I neglect myself. I keep repeating to myself, “You’re doing your best, you’re doing your best.” But today it just doen’t seem like my best is anywhere close to adequate. This situation, our situation, just demands so much and I’m so flawed.

I keep thinking, “If only I had it together more, if only I was more disciplined, if only…” But I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and be a better person. I might slowly learn and change, but I think I’ll basically be just like this for awhile. Do I extend the same grace to myself that I extend to Ramona? Tell myself I’m a fighter, that I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got, that we’re all missing something? Why is it so easy to offer that to Ramona and so hard to offer myself or Andy?

I don’t have the answers, I’m hoping you do.