It’s a bummer to be spending Father’s Day in the PICU. The tubes I had in mind for this day were bratwurst.

I’ve been thinking lately about “feelings”. I think that ordinarily when we describe our feelings, it’s more of an abstract appraisal of our thoughts than it is a description of anything we really feel. Since that fateful day in February when we discovered Ramona’s heart condition I’ve noticed that my feelings are anything but abstract. They are physical. When I am angry I don’t simply think, “That makes me angry”. I can feel the rage vibrating, trying to fly out of my arms and legs as it builds up its charge in my core. To discharge it, I have to throw something, say something, do something. When I am sad, the despair screws down like a vice on my chest, the ache radiating into my gut, my neck, and then my mind until I’m immobilized with grief.

Along this line, a few nights ago Andy remarked to me that although this time has been the hardest thing he has ever faced, it has allowed him to experience life more deeply, feel things he’s never felt before. “And that’s beautiful”, he concluded.

Over the years that I’ve known him, Andy has grown so much. He doesn’t just tolerate the ups and downs of life, he mines them for the wisdom they have to offer and acknowledges the beauty of the whole range of experiences God gives us. What better lesson could a father teach his children? That life is beautiful. That God is good. That difficult times are an opportunity to feel deeply and draw closer to God.

I think I’m too tired this morning to properly express the gratitude I feel to have met and married such a wonderful man. He is a good father. Providing for us and always having something left over at the end of the day for play and fun. Many of you probably haven’t heard Ramona laugh. That’s because she’ll only do it for Andy. It’s a nasally little “heh-HENH”, she sounds like Beavis, but I would seriously pay about $500 to able to get her to do it for me every once in a while. And Simon adores him. He studies his every move. Howls with laughter when Papa tickles him. Gladly sits still to watch him play the drums.

Thanks to all you dads out there who are doing your best and giving your all for your families every day. And to my many friends who are still waiting to see their husbands become fathers, I’m thinking about you today too. And those who have lost their fathers.

Ramona may be extubated today. She is still febrile (feverish) and they are still waiting for the cultures to come back. Please pray that she will continue to amaze and that her fever will be brief. Here’s a pic of all of us the day before her surgery. You know I must love Andy to post this picture, I look strangely bloated. And shiny.

Love, Jane.

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