I’ve been commended many times this past week for trusting my instincts and taking Ramona for a second opinion. It’s so clear now that that was the right thing to do. Well I have a confession to make. At the time I wasn’t so sure if I was doing it for the right reasons.

I had called my friend Kerry and asked her, “Am I worrying too much? Am I so used to our life being in upheaval that I’m making drama where there is none?” She told me to trust my instincts (thanks Kerry). But here’s why I wasn’t sure: I feel compelled to do a lot of things. I feel compelled sometimes to eat a lot of cheeseburgers. I feel compelled at times to yell at my husband. I feel compelled to watch Judge Judy.

I’ve always had a hard time “listening to myself”. Sometimes my strongest urges are the most unhealthy. But I just felt that something wasn’t working with Ramona. Nursing wasn’t working, I wanted to switch to the bottle but people kept telling me that “breast milk is better” and I just didn’t trust myself. I thought it was just me, that I was being lazy or selfish. Of course now we understand that Ramona was just too weak to work that hard. What finally clinched it for me was the realization that I am the one who knows Ramona best. Not the lactation consultant, not my mom, not the doctors, not even Andy, And it’s that intimacy, that knowing, that gave me the confidence to trust my instincts.

As we move forward with Ramona and think about taking her home, I’m wondering how I’ll know how to treat her. When to pick her up, when to put her down. When to call the doctor, when to wait and see. Part of it will be knowing Ramona, trusting our intimacy and trusting my instincts. But how to sort out my baser instincts from my finer ones?

I think that’s where my intimacy with God comes in. How well do I know the sound of God’s voice? Am I intimate enough with God to hear even a “still, small voice”? So I’m working on that. Today when I felt impatient with a nurse for not preparing her bottle as quickly as I would of liked, I asked myself “Is that the voice of God, or is that me trying to fix everything by being controlling and impatient?”. I am happy to report that instead of shouting “Where the %#$!?@ is her bottle, don’t you realize her LIFE depends on it?”, I simply said “Do you think it will be time for Ramona to eat again soon?”.

One day at a time, Jane.