Wed 21 Feb 2007
On Bargaining
Posted by Jane under Updates
[6] Comments
I’m trying to make sense of all of this. It must be natural, I think, to try and reason it out when something bad happens to someone you love. What could I have done differently? What if? Why her?
Simon with multiple hats
I’ve noticed that when great things happen for us we rarely cry out “Why me Lord? Why, oh why, did we have to win the lottery?!?”. It’s just the good old-fashioned ungrateful state of our hearts. I’m working on that. Trying to be grateful for this extra time with Ramona instead of bargaining for more.
Here’s how my thought process goes: God, I know I said I would be really grateful and never ask you for anything else if you allowed us to someday have a family. I know I haven’t always felt grateful when I’ve been up all night with Ramona, then up all day with Simon. Can we start over? If she’s able to come home and I’m really grateful, will you allow her to qualify for that second surgery? If I’m really extra grateful for just one more day with her, can she survive to kindergarten? If I’m just sooo ecstatically grateful for just one more moment, can we see her raise her own children?
I know this is ridiculous, I know life is not a merit based system. It’s just hard to feel so powerless, to wait and see. I am grateful for today. I’m grateful for the opportunity to feel the love and support of the people around us. I’m grateful that Simon still seems to be the crazy, happy kid he was before this all happened. I’m grateful that my own heart keeps beating through all this. It’s just hard to know sometimes if I’m bargaining my gratitude with God.
Thanks for listening, thanks for caring,
Jane (Ramona Balboa’s Mom)
Jane:
I am moved and humbled by your honesty. I’m so glad you are sharing these “deep thoughts” with all of us. I, too, am pleading all sorts of irrational bargains with God on Ramona’s behalf. I guess I’m afraid He won’t realize how serious I am about wanting Him to intervene here if I don’t constantly “up the ante”.
I wish you peace and the deepest desires of your heart. I pray that Ramona will be the one to care for you in your old age.
Dina
I’ve become, lately, a strong believer in asking for what it is you want. What if you never asked and it could have been given? So ask for it all! I’ll ask too.
God is so amazing. And its also so amazing to read where you are at and what He is doing in your heart. I am blown away. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your heart with the world. I can not even comprehend this roller coaster you and Andy are on. Its cool to see God answering your prayers. All my love!!!
I think he wants us to ask for things, even if we keep asking for more stuff. I’m asking God for these things, too. We’re all asking with you! He says that he’s a good Father, and if we ask for bread he won’t give us a stone. Sometimes I fight with him about that one because it looks like there are a lot of stones around here, but he still says it.
My sister Jane,
Tears streaming down my face as I read your heart this morning. What welled up in response was – you are a child of God. The moanings and groanings within your soul, the desperate pleas, the unabashed wrenching pain – Our Father welcomes. He asks for nothing less than all of us, prostrate in love and surrender, at the foot of His cross. Mike read this with me and said, “She’s doing what God calls her to do.”
We love you. We weep with you and pray with you. And we rejoice with you in the Hope we have in Christ, for the glimpses of His Kingdom at hand through the loving, helpless eyes of Ramona Mae. That today, in the here and now, all our “what if’s” have been covered and we pray with Jesus, that His will be done in earth as it is heaven.
Much love,
Jackie
Jane,
Thank you for that reminder – I need to take time to be grateful more frequently. I’m grateful for your wisdom, your openness, your generosity, and most definitely your friendship.
Love, Kim