Tue 27 Feb 2007
Jane’s Guide to Grieving
Posted by Jane under Updates
[21] Comments
Excuse the levity, but I’m in a mood.
Step One: Have your friends start a blog for you. This gives you an opportunity to express your thoughts and feelings. And you only have to say it once. And you can actually be understood because you can still type even if you’re bawling your eyes out of your head.
Step Two: Host your own version of “What Not To Wear”, I call it “What Not To Say”. For instance, let people know that saying “I just know Ramona will be fine” makes their butt look really big.
Step Three: Think buying something might make you feel better? Only one way to find out. We’ve just aquired some sweet blue and pink iPod shuffles with the babies names on them with iCrib speakers to match (seriously).
Step Four: Say all the horrible things you’ve been thinking to yourself out loud to someone. Like “What if we just left her at the hospital and never came back?”. They’ll be horrified but you’ll feel better and can stop worrying that you’re some kind of a monster.
Step Five: American Idol. I actually stopped thinking about Ramona for about 15 minutes tonight while watching TV. I felt guilty about it afterwards, but I still think it was worth it.
Sometimes it’s good to laugh, Jane.
The TV is always on at our place. Look us up when you need to.
Under no circumstances should you feel guilty about a very real need for some frivolity in the form of feel-good singing!
I hope you all have the smoothest transition possible to taking that beautiful girl home to her big, toothy brother!
Hello Jane and Andy (and Simon and Ramona too),
Greg and I have been checking in with your updates and thinking of you everyday. We read your messages, and hear your love for each other and your children in every line, even as you register the shocks, fears, and griefs. We’ve laughed at your guide to grieving (sounds essential to us– Greg used to say that grief got me firmly in touch with my anger!). My personal guide might also include feeling secret joy at shocking others with the truth (they couldn’t handle me saying the truth, let alone me living it!).
We’ve been touched by the ways you have acknowledged and mourned your losses– of sleep, of calm, and of other sorts, like the intangible losses of some of the hopes or plans you hadn’t even known you’ve had. What’s more is that you’ve registered these griefs while celebrating the specific children who have blessed your life– the story of how you named Ramona seems characteristic: here was this little person, so much herself, and you responded, and recognized her.
I hope heading home tomorrow goes as planned, and, if not, that you are all home together soon. And I hope that, wherever you are, you continue to find comfort in each other.
-Jen Mylander
p.s. If you haven’t happened upon it, you might like a little piece online called “Welcome to Holland” about the disorientation of parenting a child with a diagnosis. It’s short, and not as funny as Jane’s messages, but it’s an apt metaphor.
Jane,
You rock the house.
Love,
Uncle Toby
Jane,
I’m jealous you still get to watch American Idol and we don’t! We’re coming back just to see it, okay? We’ve actually been considering getting satellite TV just so we can watch that one show. Whoa.
I love your sense of humor, and your heart.
Bekah
Jane,
You are awsome. I appreciate you so much. Keep rocking on girl. You all are in my prayers.
lov
A Rose
Father, I thank you for Jane’s great big gifts of WIT and WORDS. That they are big enough to bring a grin to my face even as the tears are falling for them — and i know You are using it to cutup the tension in even their own process. .. Jane, we could have definitely used your ‘What Not to Say’ when my dad had cancer. Maybe one day you’ll bless others with a venture into publishing!! Praying God meets every single need you have today (even the needs that are made by Apple!) .. love, laura
what a great sentiment, jane. My Step Five-Part B would have to be “us weekly” magazine for some of that occasionally necessary mind numbing. i’d be happy to save them for you (or heck, anyone else reading this). . . . . sarah p
Of course, all the coolest babies have iPods! And two of the most blessed babies have Jane for a mom.
I hope this doesn’t fall under the category of what not to say (me deepest fear revealed!) — Jane, you have so blessed me with every post on this blog. I feel pretty certain you’d rather not be blessing us in this way, that you’d rather life go back to “normal” and that God would not be using this as one of those “all things for good.” I know I’d rather that be the case. For whatever unknowable reason, God is indeed using you and Ramona and Andy and Simon for good in the many lives that have been touched by you in these past couple of weeks. I pray that the blessings come back to you all tenfold.
“It’s funny because it’s _true!_”
(How does Ramona like the new “Mucca Pazza”:http://mucca-pazza.org album?)
Hey…I was gonna say what Jon just said. Especially how placating always makes butts look big.
love you guys!
Dear Jane,
You continue to amaze me my friend. And I’m with Laura, you might have a future in publishing. On a more serious note though, I’m praying for you all in your transition home. I’m praying for confidence and peace as you and Andy transition into caring for little Ramona’s medical needs at home.
And what not to say, what a great reminder. When my dad was ill and when he passed away, I know everyone means well and some things they said were so helpful, but there were other things that were said that I could have done without. Please slap me if I say something before thinking!
Love you!
Val
Jane:
It’s so good to see the humor back in your thoughts. I recall your laughter and the unique way it instantly lifts the spirits of everyone around you. I pray that Ramona, Simon and Andy get to hear healthy doses of it in the days to come.
Love,
George
Oh Jane,
I love you for three main reasons
1. You are so real
2. You have an amazing sense of humor
3. Because you are you.
I wish I were there to sing to Ramona…i’m all about some baby songs…RAFFI!!! YEA!
Love you all
Meg
Levity is crucial, even the dark kind. I would enjoy knowing more of what’s on your “what not to say list” (we all have one) because it’s funny and would be instructive. Also I’ll do anything to make my butt look smaller.
I echo Laura’s thoughts – tears stream down my face while a laugh and a smile escape my lips. In the midst of pain and sorrow, God gives levity and laughter. Miss Jane, especially in the crucible of trial and heartache, you glow divine as God masterfully continues to mould, sculpt, refine and release your gifts. Your daily writing gives form and expression to the deep gutteral groanings of the spirit within, and gives voice to that which resonates within us. I am humbled by you, sister.
As I approach your entries everyday with trepidation, the hope we have have in Christ covers us all as the seas cover the earth.
Ramona Mae is a treasure. I know we can all feel the purity and largeness of her spirit. By divine appointment, you have turned the light on and given us a glimpse of God’s glory. Thank you.
We praise and thank God for His Omniscience.
Love to you, Andy, Simon and Ramona Mae.
In Christ,
Jackie
Dear Ramona
First of all your mom is a goofball…but in a good way. I hope that when you are a teenager you don’t forget how cool and great she is…promise to only do that “eye rolling” thing a few times a week when you are a teen, OK?
So you’ve had a really busy week! It’s exciting that you get to go home! I’ve been busy too, we had four people with the flu this week, three of them were kids, one was me.
Here is an interesting thing I figured out, Ramona. When I have been awake for hours and hours with a little person who has been puking and crying you might think that I’d be kind of cranky but you know what’s cool about the way God made moms and dads? For some weird reason when our little people are sick all we want to do is take care of them and hold them and whisper things in their ear like, “it’s alright…I’m here…” even if we feel like we’re going to throw up too.
What’s really cool about having the mom and dad that you have is that they are so awesome and loving that they have built up this incredible community of support so that even in those moments when they are really really tired and can barely hold up their arms anymore they have a bunch of other awesome and loving people waiting nearby to catch you all! Isn’t that a cool thing?
You are really blessed Ramona…and you are really a blessing too.
sincerely
-miss angela
what if I want my butt to be bigger?
Ok we have never met but I now love you! lol you have express so many thoughts and true to the moment issues in this funny but real post! “Step Four: Say all the horrible things you’ve been thinking to yourself out loud to someone.” I just recently share some of the thoughts my mind threw at me while izzy was weak, not all of them though my head is mean to me but it is nice to know that I am not the only one whos head played awful games. and some of my friends and families have big butts!!!!!!!! but big and in love:) you are a delight and your children are very lucky to have you! wyndi
mom to Izabell IAA, VSD, HB, PHACES
From the moment I heard about little Ramona, I’ve been grieving with you, praying for you, storming the gates of Heaven on behalf of your girl. After reading this blog entry, now I want to know you! Good stuff!
Jane,
I loved you the minute I met you…or was it the first time you picked me up?
You are an amazing woman, wife, and mother and friend….and you are very much in my prayers…
AJackie