Fri 23 Mar 2007
On Optimism
Posted by Jane under Updates
[36] Comments
It is not hard to push my buttons lately. Of all the things that seem to get me going, having people tell me that they are sure Ramona is going to survive is most likely to put me into a tizzy. I’ve been trying to figure out why this is. It shouldn’t be a big deal, I should be grateful for their warm fuzzy thoughts, right?
When we were going through infertility and our miscarriage I could always count on hearing “Don’t worry, it’ll happen” or “Don’t you know the story of Abraham and Sarah? She was like 900 years old!”. Everywhere I turned there was an anecdote about someone who was married for 20 years, had 17 miscarriages and then adopted and became pregnant with identical septuplets. As if adoption was a last-ditch, super-efficacious fertility treatment.
When I would share our story of simultaneous pregnancy and adoption, people would say, “That always happens, doesn’t it?” and I would say, “It doesn’t always happen. It doesn’t even often happen. Or frequently happen. But it does sometimes happen”. And now, when people share stories of their uncle’s guitar teacher whose son had a complex heart defect and is now the tractor pull world champ or something, I just don’t feel as cheery as I’m probably supposed to.
When I try to explain that I’m just trying to accept either outcome for Ramona, I worry that people will think I’m faithless, or a quitter, or a pessimist. I worry what they’ll think and I feel misunderstood. Because I think in some ways my outlook on Ramona’s prognosis is as optimistic as it comes: Whatever happens, if she survives or not, I believe that God is good.
And at the risk of sounding Holier Than Thou, I think that there’s a fundamental flaw with the sort of conditional optimism I’ve been encountering. You know, “God is good and Ramona surviving would be good, so God’s will for Ramona is that she survive.” The way I see it, God’s working with a lot of moving parts, is spinning a lot of plates and maybe Ramona’s fate is somehow connected to some other big picture part of God’s plan, but it only works if she dies.
I know that Ramona may survive. I hope to God she does. But I believe that God is good no matter what. That God is smarter than me. That God is working a plan for the world and I may not get to know all the details.
So I watch and pray. I pray that God’s will be done. I pray that my actions are in accordance with the big picture. I pray that I don’t “tip the hand of providence”. Do I cry out to God to save her? You bet. But not in my finer moments. In my finer moments I try and come alongside God’s will for Ramona, no matter what.
But maybe I’ve got it all wrong. So I’ve got a request. If you’ve got some insight, some major thing I’m missing here, please pipe up. I promise not to tell you your butt looks big, you get a pass (or you could comment anonymously). Otherwise I’m going to continue to accept that we just can’t know what’s in store for Ramona, except that it’s God’s will, and that it’s good.
Love, Jane.
One day at a time is all anyone can expect and at times all I could do.
Extended love & Prayers,
Trish
Jane,
I think God has given you some extraordinary insight into this whole situation. I believe that it is only when we come along side of God’s will, as you have expressed, that we are able to experience His peace and comfort in any situation.
When my mother was in the hospital, told that she had about 3 hours left to live, I could not accept that this was a good thing or part of God’s plan. In the ensuing 4 1/2 years that she has struggled to survive with a rare blood disorder and Leukemia, it was only when I too was able to look at and accept any outcome as part of God’s plan that I felt any peace. I knew then that God was graciously walking with me, giving me a supernatural glimpse into His omnipotence.
I feel as if He is granting you this same vision. I know that it is much different when you are watching your child suffer…a new life, with unending potential. However, I believe that as we walk with God, and cease our struggle against the unknown, that we truly experience pure faith and real religion. I praise God that you are able to identify, accept and articulate this concept to me as well as to everyone out ther who is praying for your family and precious Ramona.
Thank you for your faith.
Jane,
You are truly teaching me so much about faith and truth and grace. I know, I know, I know that you are just being you and you may not see yourself as so honest or inspiring, but you are. Your eloquence and thoughtfulness are gifts from God himself. Your ability, not only to be honest, but to convey that honesty is, frankly, breathtaking.
My kids are perfectly healthy and I sometimes promise God that I will NEVER forgive him if he takes either of them from me. Your ability to keep hold of the truth that God is good, no matter the outcome, has taught me such a lesson. I hope it has made me a better mom, a more earnest follower of Christ and a better friend to you and to anyone in my life, now or in the future, who finds herself struggling with a big unknown or loss.
So, I dare say, the truth here is that you are teaching us all a very important “what not to say”. I remember in an earlier post you talked about reminding yourself that you’re just not that powerful. I think a reminder to these eternal optimists is this: your optimism is just not that powerful.
When I was fasting and praying on Valentine’s Day for Ramona’s surgery I found myself, near the end of the day, getting very grumpy as my blood sugar dipped. I wanted to eat. I kept reminding myself, somewhat harshly, that my hunger pains were NOTHING compared to the way you guys were suffering as you waited. When I was perfectly honest with myself, though, I realized that I believed that if I broke my fast before the time I had in mind when I began, something bad would happen to Ramona. That’s not fasting from a place of faith and sacrifice before God. That is plain old superstition. I think the “optimists” are afraid that if they don’t sound sure that Ramona will survive, if they admit that we just don’t get to know today what is going to happen for this dear little one in the future, that they are not having faith, and God will, therefore, take Ramona.
AND . . . some people are just truly optimistic, all sunshine and flowers, and faith that “it’ll all turn out alright” no matter what “it” is. I’m not one of them, but I know they’re out there. And it doesn’t make the rest of us pessimists.
I love you big time,
Dina
Hi Jane,
I’m Jenny Shaw’s cousin and I got your website from them. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your posts and insights. I experienced a miscarriage a few weeks ago and your posts have been very encouraging to me. We’re praying for Ramona, too. I definitely don’t claim to understand how God works in the lives of His children, but through this website you can see how He is already using this situation to touch many other lives. Having said that, I should also say that although in my head I want His will in my life, I’m sort of rebelling at this point against the idea that he will “work it for good.” To me that just sounds like something could be worth trading for my child’s life. As a mother (I also have a 2-year old) I find that hard to reconcile in my heart. So don’t ever feel bad sharing your frustrations – it seems like many of us listening totally understand.
Rachel W
I think you are the only person who knows how you feel, and that all of your feelings are justified. I think your little girl is lucky to have you as is your entire family. I know the my fear of loseing my child and I could not bring myself to where you are, I am not brave enough maybe or strong enough. I need herI have friends who have some who have their child still and some who had to let their child back into gods hands. they still love god and think god is good they accept gods plan. they prayed and begged for their child and of course wanted longer with them. My heart broke when our friends lost their child and I think those parents are the strongest people I have ever met. one of them still calls me weekly and is one of my biggest supporters with Izabell. She calls often and with ideas on how to help me with new meds and just to talk. She has two other children one who is a cancer surviver and has many special needs. she believes (like you) that god has plans for everyone and she will see her daughter again. She has pain of course and moments that are very hard. Having a child that is sick and not knowing what lies ahead is frightening and hoping and praying is all we have sometimes. I think you are doing a wonderful job. I have so much fear because Izabell has a fairly new syndrome and most doctors have not heard of it and those that have don’t know much about it because not much in known yet and i have told people that I want a promise adn known fact that she will be safe and I will be able to watch her grow and they of course have no answer as to what the future might hold. one person said that no parent has a grantee that anything could happen to a perfectly healthy person and that I should enjoy every day and lived blessed knowing that I am cherishing every day with my child. I still would feel much better if I had a garnetee, a promise that she will grow old, have a happy mobile long life. when izzy was in the hospital facing her surgery and very sick it irritated me when people told me “she will be fine” and “don’t worry” some even had the nerve to tell me that I was prepared for this because I visited their child when they were on the ventilator so it would not be as scary to me! I ended alot of phone conversations with a fast good bye so I would not burn bridges with friends who just ment well and was not sure what to say. I still don’t know what to say and now after being in my shoes do fear saying the wrong things at times, I know it came easy to people when izzy was sick and I am sure I do it too. I had a nurse tell me that she did not think my daughter had a body part and then told me not to worry! I was standing there staring at my daughter who had an open chest for the last week, on a ventaltor fighting for life and she was telling more scarey news followed with but don’t worry! I almost passed out at the moment but she added don’t worry because she wanted to help somehow. people want to help they love you and want to ease your worry and pain and they don’t know that staring at you and telling you they are scared too might be helpful? I am sorry I have ramble on so much for three thoughts. my head just goes every where now a days! part of being a mom of a special needs child, you have sooo many thoughts scattered everywhere but collecting them and forming a sentence or two (in my case way too many ) can be tricky! you are an inspirational mother!
wyndi
I find myself pretty confused with prayer a lot of the time, for reasons you have mentioned. I often feel compelled to explain to God just how he should do it, but in reality he has way better ideas that I do. But I also have a hard time saying, “Lord, your will be done,” because I do have opinions about how things should turn out. The prayer I find myself praying most often is, “Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy.” I feel like he and I both agree on that prayer.
Jane,
I think you are so very enlightened. I don’t believe you have missed a thing.
It is so very hard to accept that we don’t know God’s will until it happens, even harder to walk along side His will when we don’t know what it is exactly or what end that path will have.
Your strength is an inspiration.
Your faith amazes me.
…and even the strongest, most faithful people need to held up. God has hand out for you and we do too.
p.s. – It makes me irritated to hear that people were so rude about adopting and getting pregnant in a very short time frame. Do they have an extra big looking butt?
We’re thinking and praying for you often. Rachel Nyquist Bramley
Jane,
I think you’re right on. When we look at things – at life – through our human perspective, it’s hard to understand God’s plan and see the big picture – especially because our focus is so much on “this life.” When we view “this life” in the context of eternity, however, some things become easier to swallow, if not to understand. Beautiful, sweet Ramona would probably be a bazillion times better if she were with Jesus now. She would be perfect and completely whole and lacking nothing. Wouldn’t all believers? BUT… That fact in no way minimizes the excrutiating pain you (and to some extent, all of us) would experience over your lifetime from losing her in this life.
In my stronger moments, I sometimes think it would be better for my children to go be with Jesus while they are children, so that they would be assured of spending eternity with Him. That then brings me back to my most important duty – my great commission, if you will – to make disciples of my children for Jesus. Once those moments pass, I yell at myself for those lunatic thoughts! I cannot imagine spending one moment here without them – how could I think such crazy things??? You are surely walking in the Grace and Mercy and Peace of the Lord to have the perspective you have.
All of that being said, though, in my heart of hearts, I believe that the Lord does have great plans for Ramona and your family in this life. He has already shown us that. I don’t think it’s a blind optimism or a misguided belief in “good,” but a peace and an assurance that has come from the Father and the Holy Spirit through prayer. Even so, I also pray that you FEEL the presense of our Lord carrying you through each day and that you can continue to find rest in Him, knowing that He will work all things, even those that cause great pain and that we do not understand, to the good of those who love Him. I will still cry out to God with you to save her.
Much love to all of you,
April
P.S. Ramona looks simply stunning in all of her recent pictures. What a beautiful girl!
We (I) need spell check on this website!
I can’t comment on the matters between you and your faith but I share your feelings of discomfit when people assure me Wren will be okay. Honestly, it hasn’t happened often but when someone says that I feel:
1) I don’t believe it because no-one can know what will happen.
2) It suggests they do not empathize with or understand my fears for Wren because they think he is going to be fine.
3) That they are not going to help me anymore because they don’t think it is serious.
4) Alone – because they don’t understand or are in denial and only I appreciate the long term uncertainty and I will have to bear it all myself forever.
I know some of this is irrational but my irrational side has been on the upswing in the months since giving birth.
I much prefer someone to assume Wren is in imminent peril and be very sympathetic – I can then reassure them that he is stable for now and looks great and I feel better being bearer of good news.
Shannon
Dear Jane,
I think you’re right on my friend. I actually loved what you said about that what God is doing “fits into his plan for the world and that we don’t necessarily get to know all the details.” You are being imparted wisdom from on high, dear Jane, and I feel honored to be able to walk this road with you and learn from you and with you. I love you.
Val
Jane and Andy,
My husband asked who the baby was on the screen when we were looking the picture of Ramona in her dress. My three year old replied “that was Jesus’s favorite baby.” I just had to share.
She looks beautiful.
Take Care and God Bless,
Ann Murray
Jane, my sister,
Amen, Amen, Amen.
I thank God for giving you a glimpse of His divine Omniscience.
I love you,
Jackie
I stumbled across your website and am glad I did. My daughter, Jillian, is almost 3 years old and has single ventricle, among many heart defects and has had the first 2 stages of a 3 staged surgery. We are preparing for the 3rd stage probably this summer. You are experiencing and putting words to all of the feelings I was going through in the beginning, and am still going through. I know that I used to get mad when I would be introduced to so and so whose child has a heart defect, like a vsd, but never needed treatment and look at them, they’re 18 and playing sports and having a great life. Well that won’t be the case for Jillian. I have gotten over the anger and just try to realize that people mean well. But the one thing that the doctors and nurses at UCSF where Jillian had her surgeries kept saying to me and still holds true is that every baby with a heart defect is different. Every course of treatment is different, every outcome different. So in those early months when I just wanted someone to tell me what to do, what to do about daycare, what to do with my fear of loosing her, how to cope…I just had to keep reminding myself that everybody’s experience is different and noone can tell me what the future holds and what worked for them won’t necessarily work for me. So far it has seemed to work and with each passing day, month, year I count my blessings but am also realistic that this could be her last day, last month, last year. And noone wants to hear that. In the beginning when people would say “oh, she’s had two surgeries, she’s fine now right?” my husband and I were morbid in our response, trying to get people to understand that she is not ok, that her heart defects will never be “fixed”, that there is no prognosis – good or bad – and that there is a strong possibility she may die in our lifetime. And that was very hard for others to understand – they felt like we were so pessimistic – but it was healing for us and it was us trying to face reality and come to terms with it. So now we are less morbid and just smile when people tell us she’ll be fine, we know the truth and have accepted it and are working on coming to peace with it – day by day.
I really love what you are writing and I believe that how you are feeling is completely normal. I admire your courage and your realistic view. Overall the scenario of her being sick sucks but you are experiencing the blessing that is your daughter. You really are an inspiration and reading this blog is exactly what I was looking for 3 years ago – so maybe that is part of the “big picture” too – you and your daughter finding comfort from others as well as giving it to others facing the same/similar situations.
Dina S.
mom to Jilly – TGA, DORV, IAA, VSD – single ventricle
When my dad’s eyesight was suddenly lost 5 years ago and he has since not been healed, I began to wonder if God really wanted him healed. A certain Bible study I was doing lead me to passages that said people were healed ‘according to their faith.’ Oh, boy. So then I began to wonder *whose* faith had to be big enough for him to be healed. Did my dad not have enough faith in God? Did I not have enough faith in God? That line of thinking did not feel good or even Biblical. Further study lead to the conclusion that God is sovereign (can heal) and God is sufficient (when he doesn’t). And sometimes God prioritizes the faith needed to love him when he is sufficient over the faith needed to love him when he is sovereign. So I’m right there, wondering what God’s greater plan is and if it includes eyesight for my dad this side of heaven. Your situation is unique, but you are not alone.
No one has ever, ever accused me of being an optimist. Just ask my husband. But when I am tempted to say something like “Oh, thing are going to be all right,” it’s because I’m trying to convince myself that this isn’t really happening. That life can’t really be this hard.
So I think people who tell you that Ramona will be fine are trying to make themselves feel better, to not want to acknowledge that life can be painful. And your situation, I think, has forced us all to grapple with the issue of suffering and God’s goodness. Okay, we may be able to deal with or find some meaning in the sickness/suffering of a parent or other adult — but a 3 month old baby girl?! Come on!
I constantly have to remind myself that someday…someday…we will see Him face to face and understand. Now we’re just seeing the world through dark-tinted glasses.
But each day we’re “one step closer to knowing” (as Bono sings). This gives me hope, but also makes me realize we’re not there yet.
Love,
Karen
My name for being told that “blah blah blah will turn out fine” is being Tivo’ed. Sometimes people just want you to feel better so bad that they can’t be with you in your “now,” because it’s too hard. So they fast forward past the yucky stuff to the happy ending. People also will Tivo you because they want to have something wise- and comforting-sounding to say because it’s too scary to realize there is (sometimes) no wisdom and there is also (sometimes, sadly) no comfort. How scary and hard is it to just wallow around in somebody else’s fathomless pain with them? How rare are the friends who can, or will, do that? You do us all a favor by continuing to explain what not to say, and we all benefit from it.
Because I used to always say all of the stupid things mentioned above, and I blush and cringe and die inside when I think of the pain I caused. Yeeesh.
I want to share a couple things from a Beth Moore book that has been really ministering to me personally. I hesitate to do it, because i feel so far from knowing what you could be experiencing, what parts of God’s truth are balm to your hurts right now – BUT, you did offer a pass, so i’m going for it!! So, if anything below doesn’t accurately convey to you God’s goodness and PASSIONATE, head-over-heels love for you and your family, please throw it out immediately. love, laura
* * *
He only thinks in terms of what can be used toward our good, toward His plan for us, and toward the future. His intentions can only be pure. Right. Full of hope. Promoting peace. Listen carefully. God did not haphazardly or accidentlally let Joseph’s brothers throw him in the pit. He had already thought it out in advance. Considered it. Weighed it. Checked it against the plumb line of the plan. He had looked at the good it could ultimately accomplish, the lives that could be helped and even saved. Then, and only then, in His sovereign purpose did He permit such harm to come to His beloved child. Had the incident not possessed glorious purpose, God would have disarmed it.
Beloved, let this one sink in deeply. If God allowed you to be thrown into a pit, you weren’t picked on; you were picked out. God entrusted that suffering to you because He has faith in you. Live up to it. All the way up.
At the end of Job, he didn’t have his questions answered either, but this he knew: his God was huge, his God was wise, and his God would redeem. Blaming God as a means of charging Him with wrongdoing will only dig us into a deeper pit. However, holding God ultimately responsible in the healthy way, as His Word suggests, will be our ticket out.
* * *
I’m not even sure most days that I’M going to be fine so I am certain that I’m not the best one to offer that particular flavor of advice…
I guess all I feel like I can say is that I love you guys and that there is just about nothing you can do to change that (except maybe if you run after me with a gun or a ginsu knife or something…)
Jane,
You have made me think all day on this post. When Brian and I were in training (college for the slavation army) we had huge discussions about God’s will. I do not think God willed you to have a daughter and then willed you to possibly loose her or even go through this hell. I think it is a result of our fallen world. I think that his will is for you to trust him, have faith in him, enjoy your time with your family and with Ramona. That time maybe 1 min and may be 100 years. He never promised any of us more. I think his will is for you to live this life as a testimony to his greatness. I will not believe that God says, “Jane, I give to you and take it away”. Now these are my beliefs and convictions, take them as you please. Thank you for helping me think through this and please know that my family and my church are praying for you.
-Katrina
Jane,
I came across your site on a “December Expexting” board. It has been about 3 weeks now that I find myself checking to see how Ramona is. I think the picture at the top of your blog was enough to have me visit again! Her eyes say so much. First of all, you are probably one of the most brilliant wtiters that I have ever read. Every entry is so real and so well put. But, this last entry on optimism will stick with me forever and I truly mean that. I am a Christian and I have never experienced what you are going through. But, I pray I have the foundation built firmly on Christ that you have when my world is shaken. When you say you want to walk alongside God’s will for Ramona, you are so wise. I am a mother of 3 and I know I have no idea what tomorrow holds for my own kids. But know this your words will be with me for a lifetime and that was one very small way God has used YOU in a complete stranger’s life. God bless you and your family.
Carrie in Kentucky:)
Dear Jane and Andy,
I have commented to both of you about my thoughts on Ramona. You have asked,”how can you know; how can you be so sure?”, and my response is that I just know; I just have a sense about the outcome. It developed gradually during the two-night stay with Ramona in the hospital and with constant prayer. After getting right with God through the redemption of Jesus and being humbled at the foot of the throne, I was finally able to pray in earnest without constant mental distractions during the time with Ramona. And now when home or traveling, unable to sleep for long periods, I am granted the privilege of long and uninterrupted stretches of prayer and meditation, when I can talk and listen to the Lord about Ramona.
I am sitting here at the computer sobbing, with tears running down my cheeks, as I type this note…and I JUST KNOW.
“Count it all joy, my brethern, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously and without reproach, and it will be given. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed about by the wind…..
“Blessed is the man who endures trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life which God has to those who love Him….
“Every good endowment and every perfect gift is from above. (James 1)
That first night in the hospital I assumed the privileged position of priest and prophet for the Deitrich clan regarding Ramona, and I am standing in “the Gap” for her with the Lord regarding His promises to Ramona written in the Book of James, Chapter 1.
HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD
….Chris Tomlin
The splendor of the King,
Clothed in majesty
Let all the Earth rejoice,
All the Earth rejoice
He wraps Himself in light,
And darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice,
And trembles at His voice.
Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the End,
Beginning and the End
The Godhead, Three in One
Father, Spirit, Son
The Lion and the Lamb,
The Lion and the Lamb
How great is our God,
Sing with me
How great is our God.
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God
Name above all names
Worthy of our praise
My heart will sing how great
Is our God
How great, How great
Is our God
God will be glorified! I love you both,
Wayne/Dad
word ’em up, sister friend. you nailed it on the head for me – that whole “god is good, therefore good things will happen” thinking is just poop. you’re right – god’s got a lot of plates spinning, and you seem to have your head on so straight (how is that???) to keep reminding yourself of the big plan. I also think it’s pissy when people say things are fine, because it’s a minimizer. I like that Tivo idea – we all want to get to the end of Idol just to see who goes home. Speaking of – I have such a love/hate thing for Sanjaya.
Sanjaya is a terrible singer. What’s to love?
I have more of a hate/hate thing going with Sanjaya.
As for American Idol.. what a waste of time. If they are truely looking for talent, don’t depend on the teeny boopers who are voting for people like Sanjaya. There are better things to think about in this world.
Oh my gosh…I think I would have to google Sanjaya to even know what you are all referring to…..
Thanks Ang,
I was feeling the same way. Do you think it could be our age?
Nicole
sorry – couldn’t let this go – what’s to love about Sanjaya? His dreamy hair… what I wouldn’t do for locks like his… but yes, his voice sucks.
Oh poo, I was one of those people who said “doesn’t that always happen?!?” to the adopt-then-get-pregnant scenario. Shit, that was so insensitive of me and I am sorry for it!
But I’m praying for Ramona, and all of you. Hopefully that’ll balance out the friend-books a little bit.
Every blessing.
Nicole I think it has more to do with the fact that I don’t watch tv all that much…well, we don’t actually get much in the way of television reception, that is…(see? I DID google it…and sorry I for doing so!)
Jane-
I found your site through the ivillage mama’s board. While I don’t pretend to understand you just because I also feared for my baby’s life, I do know that people said unfoundedly optimistic or just plain stupid things to me too. I’ve thought about it a lot and I think the reason it is so annoying is that it is dismissive of the specific realities of your particular situation, and it denies you the opportunity to speak honestly about it.
I always tried to tell myself that most people are just nervous and sad to see you in pain and don’t mean anything by it.
All my best wishes to you and your family.
Jane,
I know somewhat the feeling of not being sure if our prayers will be answered. As a little girl without a father in the home. I grew up scared because of the uncertainty. I think because of that, when things have gone wrong, I have in the past been afraid it is only going to end up “badly”. What I have learned is to lean on GOD. He had shown me over and over again that I don’t have to be afraid and that HE will take care of me, you Ramona.. and the whole clan. And most of the time what I was afraid of dosen’t happen.
Love Aunt Ro
You live with the uncertainty that the rest of us try to deny in our everyday lives; at any time, any of us could die. No parent (or anyone for that matter) wants to stare that knowledge in the face each day. I think when people say “everything will be fine,” they’re really trying to tell themselves that their own worlds won’t come crashing down on them at any moment. Saying “everything will be fine” is an act of faith that the spinning plates of God are more than a random accident waiting to happen, that there’s meaning and good in everything that happens. I don’t think saying everything will be fine is truly meant to mean that you’ll get the best outcome you personally wish for. They just want to convey to you some kind of support and have no idea how to address something so large and overwhelming to them. I don’t know you, but I hope and wish and pray for you that everything will be fine ….whatever fine may be.
Amie
PS: Your kiddos are both so gorgeous, and you are amazing. Thank you for sharing.