Thu 29 Mar 2007
There and Back Again
Posted by Jane under Updates
[17] Comments
Ramona had a fine day yesterday. I did not. I saw an episode of Law and Order a while back where someone was in a medically-induced coma. I’m embarassed to admit that I’ve been spending a significant amount of time pondering that prospect. Mainly I’m wondering whether or not that’s ever an elective procedure. Also on my list of feel-good fantasies: What’s the protocol on checking yourself into a mental hospital?
The sleep deprivation and stress has finally got me unhinged. A lot is made over the quirky symptoms women experience during pregnancy, but I rarely hear women discussing the equally exotic symptoms brought on by the zombie schedule a newborn invariably demands. Here are my current faves: Persistent eye twitch. Muscle weakness. Slurred Speech. Bad Dreams. Swearing at Husband. I’m starting to feel like the fine print on one of those flashy designer meds they’re always hawking on TV. You know, “Ask your doctor if Forgetitol is right for you!”
And no sleep makes you a jerk. I said some very mean, bad things to Andy last night. I apologized, we worked it out, but geez was I mad. I finally had a big fat tantrum and went in the bedroom and fell asleep for about 20 minutes. When I woke up I felt better, but not good enough.
I’ve been told I have a funny way of saying things, but a lot of times it’s unintentional. Or it’s a response to stress, as in, “Let’s make this horrible situation more fun by joking around non-stop”. I’ve been told I was a laugh riot during labor, and I can guarantee I was not having fun. So although I may sound “collected” or “together”, I assure you, I am going mental. I have just got to find a way to get more sleep.
The good news is that help is on the way. We will have some help in the evenings next week and my mom is helping this week. Simon will be going for a playdate about once a week to give us some Mommy-Mona time. And my sister is also going to help out on a regular basis.
So for now I am trying just to rest when I can, even if it’s just getting off my feet. I’m trying to eat a little better, having realized that eating is not a reliable sleep substitute. And I’m going to try and keep in mind that “This too shall pass”. That things might get better, they might get worse, but they won’t stay like this forever.
Thanks for listening, Jane.
Jane,
Call me when you get a spare minute. I can totally identify with what you are saying, and I’d be happy to hear you vent. I don’t think I told you before, but when Drew was in the hospital as a newborn I was actually put on medication for “adjustment disorder.” I want to know what mother wouldn’t have trouble adjusting to the shock of having a very sick child. Anyway, it did help and it knocked me out, forcing me to get some rest. I’ll be praying for peace in your household.
Andrea
Remember in the old days before rehab when movie stars got hospitalized for “exhaustion”? How nice does THAT sound.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad, Jane. Although I think you’re doing amazingly well through this whole turn your world upside down thing, I think we know you’ve got to be losing it a little because WHO WOULDN’T!!! I pray for Ramona but I pray for you and Andy, too. When I pray for you I think about those first 6 weeks with a newborn and how hellish it is to go with out sleep – it makes me nauseous just thinking about it – and then I pray even harder as I’m sure it’s much worse. Ugh. I pray that long term relief comes quickly. And though I know I can’t relate, I do hurt for you and wish I could give you a hug…or a nap.
jane,
my friend kira and i had this funny discussion once about getting a 4 hour block of sleep while raising little one(s). just a FOUR hour block was all we asked. and when it finally came, it was like the sun rose in my room as it was amazing how much it made a difference between zombie-mommy (where you start yelling, not just at your husband, but at the door knob, the socks on the floor, your pillow for not “helping”, etc.) and mellow-smoothie-in-control-mommy.
sometimes i think there should be one of those telephone chat lines for zombie mommies……… anyway. i digress.
my wish for you today is that you get AT MINIMUM that magical four hour block but also much much more to compensate for the backlog of lost sleep you undoubtedly have accumulated these past months.
(as an aside – as for mental health institutions: roughly 1/4 my job is advising individuals residing in such institutions on how they can leave them. trust me, much harder to get out than to get in…….but that’s another story for another time). be good to you, sarah p
It’s funny, Jane, whenever you make me laugh here on the old blog, I think, “That’s Jane being Jane. But, I bet that it’s just coming out in a funny way. I bet she’s really at her wits end.” So, at least some of us here in the blogoshpere get it, at least a little.
I feel like I just want to “do” something for you. And, though I know that, “Please let me know if there’s anything I can do,” is one of the classic things not to say, it’s all I’ve got right now. I don’t want to presume that I can guess what someone like me could do for you at this time, but if there is anything you can imagine, please let me know. I’d even be willing to be trained to do an overnight from time to time, if you think it would help rather than disrupt.
So, at the risk of making by butt look big, please let me know if there is anything I can do.
And, for what it’s worth, I, too, have fantasized about institutionalization and I, too, yelled at my husband in a most unloving way last night (and again this morning, oh and last week, too).
Personally I (and I think Jane too) really enjoy hearing “let me know if there is anything I can do”. People have only said that to me in the greatest sincerity. I feel like I could let them know of something, and they would do it – so that’s a great comfort to me. Like you pointed out, Dina, the stress of mobilizing people can sometimes outweigh the benefit, especially when it would involve training people on Simon’s care or Ramona’s various machines and meds. The grocery shopping and meal prep has been a great blessing, though.
Jane,
As I’ve mentioned in my blog, I have started seeing a therapist. Now, I am not sending you off to one but it has helped me have some perspective on how I handle all the terror, joy, pressure and sleep deprivation which help bring out any tendency one may have to lose it.
My sleep deprivation had me seeing things (my eyes kept misreading shadows and shapes as other dangerous things) and I felt very angry at everyone, especially my dear mother who stayed a month to help us.
At my second session with the therapist we discussed my tendency to entertain everyone and be witty and light when I feel most desperate. Apparently this is a way of staying in control, controlling things that are chaotic and making sure I don’t display the true depth of feeling. I suspect that if I do I will fall utterly apart and things will get messy.
I don’t want things to be any more unknown than they are.
I hope you are able to be kind to yourself and realize that we are all angry and snappish sometimes. I guess posting this is a way of acknowledging that need
Shannon
Oh sleep deprivation – miserable. Did you get good and teary when you yelled at Andy? Lean against the wall and wail? Pull your hair and let the drool puddle in your mouth? I did (while yelling at my husband, not yours). And while I was doing it, I was vaugely aware that I must look like a soap star because I was so hysterical. I didn’t know I had it in me. I think I collapsed, slept briefly, and felt a tad better. Get earplugs and an eye mask; when I got really tired, I started getting anxious that I wasn’t falling asleep in those brief pockets of sleep time. Then I was sleep deprived and anxious – on the verge of another Susan Lucci moment. The ear plugs and eye mask helped. Hang in there Jane.
Love,
Molly
I too am the worst at being tired. I am so mean and take it out on Brian and even baby madelyn. I understand those people who accidently shake their baby to death (no I don’t do that, but when you are tired and they are screaming, phew). I could just hit the next person who says their baby slept through the night right a way…bleep you! But I must say that now I am sleeping (Maddy is almost 15 months) I feel so much better and have started to care about people more and scream at everyone less. I pray for some good rest for you.
Hi Jane,
I am one of those people who has been lurking around your website but never posting anything. I was just inspired to tell you today how much I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability about what you have been going through. In some weird way it has been encouraging to me. I think sometimes as Christians we feel the need to put our best foot forward and not say exactly how we feel – good, bad or ugly. I appreciate you being very real about what they’re feeling and going through. So…thank you. By the way, you’re a great writer. Have you ever considered it as a profession? God bless you with supernatural rest and Ramona with growth/healing.
Hi Jane –
It is so hard to be sleep deprived. You just start to feel like you aren’t in control of yourself and it’s kind of scary to feel that way.
I had some major problems with my back after the birth of Ella and I was so tired (she didn’t start sleeping well her first 2 months of life) that I found myself sometimes actually hoping that my back would hurt so bad that I would be physically unable to get out of bed so I could sleep some more.
I will pray for rest for you – that you will be able to fall asleep easily when the opportunity presents itself and that the fragmented sleep you get will be restorative.
Nicole
Dear Jane
I think I’ll just say, “what they said” and point to the previous posts…I think you are awesome and I love you.
If you go to a mental hospital I will visit you and bring you cookies.
love
ang
Jane
All I can say is when I am “witchie” having someone to make me laugh helps (sisters are good for that). I also know, that being sleep deprived can make you sick.. so get your rest and take you friends offer for help. Lots of love to you and Andy
A Rose
Hi cookie,
I know you know I know about the sleep-deprived thing. My left eye has been twitching for about 6 months now. Everynite when I’ve settled down under the covers, I pray to God that I might find my rest in Him tonite. I invariably find myself adding, not eternally yet please – sometimes on my off-sleeping pill nights, sleep overtakes me, on others, it doessn’t and I hit our mini-elliptical bike listening to late-nite Moody with Mike Kellogg (love his oh-so smooth baritone). But I ask everynite because it reminds me my Father knows every twitch.
Much love,
Jackie
Don’t worry about it. I am sure Andy deserved it.
During a rough baby-management period I would fantasize about checking myself into a hospital. The only thing that kept me from acting on it, besides the my inability to do anything at the time, was the fact I was worried that no one woud take care of Aidan. Maybe that was true and maybe not. A few days to myself, sleeping, reading a good book, talking about how I feel still sounds very, very nice.
Jane,
I can totally relate to the whole snapping at husband, feeling under appreciated, sounding like a crazy woman thing etc… It probably has nothing to do with Andy not appreciating you and more to do with the fact that you’re home all day everyday and have a full round the clock schedule and you’re EXHAUSTED! Many mothers experience this but you’re getting it and then some with your “Extra” mommy duties.
As moms we worry about everything. Even when we have help, its hard to relax because you feel responsible for making sure that your house is presentable, the bills are paid, that your children are ok, that your family is ok. The only advice I can offer is to relax by letting go a little. Sleep will come. If you have a choice between mopping the floor or catching some zzz’s, drop the mop and force yourself to lay down. Even if you can’t sleep, I’ve learned power naps are a wonderful thing.
Judy