Ramona’s nurse asked me today if I felt ready for her surgery. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. I know I can steel myself, “Toughen up”, as Grammie Sue says. But actually take it in and feel ready? No way. But for Ramona to survive we need to take her, chubby and smiling, and hand her over to the doctors to be cut open and jury-rigged. It’s a hard thing.

The challenge of parenting, in my view, is to prepare your child for an independent life. Maybe the first step is acknowledging that once a child is born into the world, they are no longer your flesh, your body, they are their own person. There will be challenges and hurts that I face in life that Ramona may never have to consider. And there are challenges that will be Ramona’s to encounter that will be hers alone.

Of course if I could have the surgery for her, I would. But when the time comes for surgery and they roll her through those double doors, she will have to go on without us. And we will do our best to be a help and a comfort to her but she will have to do the rest. It’s painful. It’s hard to let go. I think I understand now the pain and anxiety I’ve heard friends describe about their child’s first day of school.

Please pray that as Ramona takes this special path alone, she will feel our support and encouragement and love cheering her on. Please pray that as she heals she will be able to hold on to some of the memories of home and the life we’re building there together. Please pray that God will guard her heart, not just from physical harm, but from despair and lonlieness. Please pray that the progress she’s made developmentally will not be lost to this surgery.

Thank you for your care and support, Jane.

Here’s a pic of Ramona in her hospital bed this morning, chewing on her IV line and waiting for the big day.

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