Sun 25 Nov 2007
Shall Our Gratitude Sleep?
Posted by Jane under Updates
[13] Comments
We had a kind of crappy Thanksgiving. We were all set and packed to go to Appleton to see Andy’s family for a few days. We had even scheduled a portrait of the whole fam-damily, a first with Simon, Ramona and baby niece Phare. But on Monday night Ramona came down with a cold and fever and was too sick to travel. So Andy took Simon up north on Wednesday morning and we agreed that Mona and I would follow as soon as she was able.
But by Thanksgiving morning Ramona was only slightly better. Then one of the cousins came down with a runny nose and cough. So, in an effort to keep Simon from bringing home any new germs, Andy packed up and headed back home. He missed Thanksgiving dinner with his family, we all missed the portrait. It was a real bummer. And I compounded our misery by behaving very badly: sulking, crying, acting mean and being pitiful.
I’ve been entertaining thoughts like, “This is so unfair”, “Everyone else is celebrating with their family”, “What do we have to be thankful for?” I’ve been comparing the Thanksgiving we should have had with the one we did have. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself because we can’t really go many places or have many visitors during the cold and flu season. I’ve been wishing we could have parties and go on trips.
You may have noticed that I have a serious attitude problem. An attitude-toward-life problem. An attitude-toward-God problem. I’ve noticed it too and I’ve been trying to recapture the sacred feeling of gratitude I felt when Ramona survived that first night. When all I wanted was to see her open her eyes one more time, and she did. When I leaned on God completely and accepted that whether Ramona lived or died, God would bless it. How did I go from that to being completely unglued over some pictures and pie?
Some British dude named George Canning (I resisted the urge to google him and make myself sound smart) said, “When our perils are past, shall our gratitude sleep?” I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be a rhetorical question. But as Ramona approaches her first birthday and the specter of death has lifted from our home, so much so that we barely acknowledge it, I find myself feeling less and less grateful. That makes no sense, right?
I suppose if I was a wild animal, let’s say a wildebeast, it would make sense. “So you got away from that lion, hip-hip hooray. Now stop gloating and find go something to eat.” But didn’t God invest us with the ability to acknowledge the gift and mystery of life He’s given us. To “walk humbly with God?” I know it’s cliché to only lean on God in times of crisis, but I’m just having a hard time getting back there. I know we haven’t had much dialog here lately, but I sure would love to hear how you all reconnect with your humility and gratitude.
So that’s me. Here’s what’s new with Mona, complete with pics: She’s crawling! She’s not too speedy yet and has to take a lot of breaks, but man can she get around now. It’s really fun.
She’s got her helmet. We had to leave it off for a few days while she had a fever but she’s tolerating it very well and it actually looks pretty cute…
We had a small birthday party last weekend and had a great time. Here she is entertaining the crowd on her new toy piano…
And here’s a pic of the fearsome twosome at the park one last time before the cold settled in.
Simon is talking up a storm and has gotten very good at filling the gaps between the real words he can say with other imaginary words. For instance; “Bee-dul-be BOAT beh-zow-as PAPA, a-mee-chee STUCK”. Which means, “Papa, the boat is stuck”. It’s like watching the news on a foreign language channel, “Blah blah blah, Dick Chaney, blah blah, blah, blah Coca-Cola”.
Well anyway, we’re thinking about you and yours. A special word of care and comfort goes out to those of you who have lost loved ones recently or are spending the holiday in a hospital room with your little ones. I’m thinking of you especially today. Thank you for your prayers. Please continue to pray with us that Ramona will recover completely from her cold. Please pray that she will not require surgery soon. Please pray for peace, protection and harmony in our home. We’re pretty stressed and tired.
Love, Jane.
Oh, and another quote from some other dude, who I’m pretty sure is not British: “Thanksgiving, not a good day to be my pants”.
THought of you guys lots on Thursday as I dealt with my own shitty Thanksgiving. Great to see the birthday pics and the helmet as only a Deitrich would wear it – with gorgeous birdy perched for flight.
Bummer Jane – that’s all it is. A big fat bummer. I’m not sure what my methods of getting back to that gracious and humble place are. I know one thing though, I have to stop comparing myself to others. Other peoples’ Thanksgivings, other peoples’ gift of taking things in stride, other peoples’ foot loose and fancy free lives, other peoples’ humility and grace.
I know what makes me feel better – walks outside (or standing in your door if you can’t leave the house!), deep breathing, rolling my neck to loosen the stress, and visualization. I am a big fan of visualization to get my head straight. I have a new visualization – ear candling for the body. I am obsessed with ear candling – would love all the gunk and cheese sucked out of my ears by those wax candle tubes (but am also scared by the process). In any case, I visualize all the “gunk” getting sucked up and off of me: all the crabbiness, complaining, crankiness, meanies, etc getting sucked up some giant ear candle in the sky, leaving me at peace, “clean”. I’m sure others have more of a prayerful method of getting back in touch with their crabby-free side, but that’s helped me. Now it’s all yours, on the house.
Humility and Gratitude. Not sure what I can contribute to that. What I can say is that I am so very grateful that a year ago I had the privilege of sitting with my dear friends while Jane labored and anticipated the birth of little Ramona Mae. To see her beautiful face so soon after she entered the world. I remember with great joy. Reason to give thanks indeed.
We missed you guys a lot and wished we could be with you.
The helmet turned out great. Very stylish! I wish your Thanksgiving could have been different…such a bummer. The holidays are so hard because we all yearn for the “perfect family scenario” that (at least for me) never seems to live up to my expectations. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There are times you are Thankful (I’ve heard you say it), but just like the rest of us, it’s hard to stay in that place in the midst life’s bumps and disappointments. You’re just human:)…
Hey Jane
Its good to hear about your life and how Ramona is doing even if its glum. Don’t be too hard on yourself about trying to capture gratitude or anything else. I find that connecting with how I am feeling brings more freedom than struggling to squeeze myself into an idea of what someone like me should feel. You have been through so much than anxiety, anger, depression or whatever are probably all healthy and normal!
Hope you get the yen to post again.
well, it just seems to me that we all take turns having bad holidays. after several really crappy christmases in our family, we’re having some good ones…we just all help each other get through whichever we’re having at the moment.
and karen is right- i’m loving the helmet
Jane… totally natural. I was in so much referred pain with my nervous system gone haywire after my herniated disc. I cried myself to sleep wondering how I could go on living like this. It took me about 2 years to get back to pretty decent shape. I am not an incredibly religous man, but I do have my connection to it. I prayed a lot when the pain was horrid. When it dulled to a minor irritant, the prayers went by the wayside. When I first turned the corners, I was so grateful. Now, I lament and groan about all kinds of stupid stuff and my milder pains. I rarely take time to be grateful of being free from the wicked pain. So, you are not alone.
On another note, it does give me joy to see the posts are less and less frequent – a sign of less trauma. Hooray for that.
Dearest Jane,
When we heard you were not joining us this Thanksgiving we were as disappointed as you and Andy. I can’t imagine the stress you face every day. I do know that when I was younger I use to over react to small things, although I know I could still do the same if I were in you shoes. I know that living in a disfunctional household as a child things could get out of hand.. or so it seemed to me. So when I grew up I tended to want to take charge or control of the stressful things because I didn’t like the uneasy feelings. It was fear amd I brought that into my adult life. I am learning to face my fears.. even the smallest ones. GOD is always there for me, and when I look back on my fears it wasn’t as bad as I “thought ” it would be. I am praying peace for you and Andy.
Lots of love
Aunt Ro
I think you get to have the attitude sometimes….there is so much we don’t get to know and so much we have to go through…I believe you get to wear the Mrs Crankypants nametag when it’s merited and it seems like it’s merited given your Thanksgiving.
You get to wear it but you kind of also have to take if off after a little while, like you did as you neared the end of the post, ’cause your REAL name, beloved of God, suits you so much better.
Besides, it’s MY turn to wear that nametag and then Dina wants it after me…
love you guys…with great and deep love, Jane…
ang
Hi Jane,
I almost called you to see how you were doing and then there was this post. I’m sorry your Thanksgiving sucked. It’s easy to let life knock you down and take things for granted from time to time. You asked how to find humility and gratitude. I’m not exactly sure, but what I have learned is that it’s ok to feel your feelings. If you allow yourself a day to feel sad and angry and like life is unfair I think you’ll find the next day is much better.
Sending love and prayers,
Andrea
It’s totally normal to get in these ruts, especially when you have been dealt a lot of difficulty. When I get down, I remind myself that things could be much worse, and then I pray for grace. Ask God to help you through this and He will.
The helmet looks adorable!! I’m so glad that she is tolerating it well.
Hi Jane,
My name is Kelly and I posted once before. My daughter is 7 now with DiGeorge syndrome. This Thanksgiving we were actually laughing back at Katie’s first Thanskgiving she was just home a few weeks from her surgery and was on “isolation” until spring and I so desperately wanted to get out of the house I begged my husband to let us go to his family’s that I even promised to stay in the back with her. Now I also had an 18month, old and a 3 year old. So my Thanksgiving consisted of sitting in his parents room with Katie and popping my head out to say hello to everyone but we coudn’t let people near her. I still didn’t have the feeding tube down well and I was pumping. I cried most of the day and was so angry. You are completely normal. We go through times of extreme gratefulness and awe at what God is and has done but then the day to day struggles that no one truly knows we are dealing with can bring out the worst in us. It really does get better. Call or email if you ever need to talk to someone who really knows what you are going through.