My black mood from this morning has been somewhat improved by the report we got from one of Ramona’s pediatricians today.

She weighed in at whopping 12 lbs! That’s 35 ounces in the 35 days since her last appointment at this office. This is a normal weight for a baby her age, healthy or not. She is now 23.5 inches long, also normal. We discussed some minor details, like extending her night continuous feed and other ways we might reduce her emesis (that’s barfing), but in general the doctor seemed quite pleased with her progress.

I’ve been thinking about my last post. I know that guilt and shame are not from God. I believe that whatever power we do have in this world, it certainly is not over our past or future, only our present. I believe that God calls us to repentance, to learn from our past and turn away from sin, but does not expect us to know our future or dwell on past mistakes. I do believe we were meant to parent both Simon and Ramona. I don’t believe that is a mistake. I believe we are doing our best under difficult circumstances.

I think there is a strong part of our nature that desparately wants to make sense of the world. I guess I’m just toying with the idea that if it’s not God’s fault, and it’s not the doctors fault, maybe it’s our fault. But maybe it’s just a mystery, maybe it doesn’t make sense. Maybe I should just trust that God works all things for good. And cry and pray and then cry some more.

So grateful for some good news today,

Jane.

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