Wed 16 May 2007
Never Enough
Posted by Jane under Updates
[19] Comments
It’s probably a bad idea to post when you’re angry. This is one of those posts that should never be mailed.
My anger feels dangerous. This morning, while trying to get Ramona ready to go to the pediatrician, Andy took over so I could give Simon his bottle. He’s working from home today and can step away for a few minutes from time to time to help. Well, within about 5 minutes Ramona had spit up on her special doctor-day dress and was all upset and exhuasted. I was furious. Not bummed. Not a little aggravated. Furious. I was thinking, “Doesn’t anybody but me know how to take care of her? I’m never going to be able to have time to myself. Now we’re going to be late.” What I said was, “Oh, great. Thanks a lot”, as if it was his fault that she threw up.
I packed Ramona in the car and headed out. She threw up again, was having trouble breathing and I had to turn around. No problem, I’ll reschedule. Except that she needs a methadone refill and it can’t be called in, it can’t be faxed in, and she runs out in a day and a half.
How do I get it all done and have something left over for my marriage or myself? I was pretty flaky and disorganized before all of this happened. I was terrible at meeting deadlines, rarely finished projects I started and struggled even to keep up with my emails. I’ve got 842 emails in my box right now, I kid you not. But I always managed to scrape by. I’m enthusiastic, I’m a smooth talker and I can get a lot done in a short amount of time. Not because I’m organized, but because I’m a steam-roller.
But now that things are so difficult here it seems my best just isn’t cutting it. I feel like I’m a disappointment to Andy in many ways, I’m never on top of the housework and I wonder if Simon and Ramona are getting what they need. Not to mention the ways I neglect myself. I keep repeating to myself, “You’re doing your best, you’re doing your best.” But today it just doen’t seem like my best is anywhere close to adequate. This situation, our situation, just demands so much and I’m so flawed.
I keep thinking, “If only I had it together more, if only I was more disciplined, if only…” But I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and be a better person. I might slowly learn and change, but I think I’ll basically be just like this for awhile. Do I extend the same grace to myself that I extend to Ramona? Tell myself I’m a fighter, that I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got, that we’re all missing something? Why is it so easy to offer that to Ramona and so hard to offer myself or Andy?
I don’t have the answers, I’m hoping you do.
Jane.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Rom 8:28”
I believe that the struggles God allows us parents to go through with these special little kids is to teach us a new level of patience.
Jane
When we are exhausted and depleted we are all a bit crazy. I think you are on the right track when you speak of extending grace to yourself…. I phrase it as not being judgemental of myself.
I think I mentioned I started seeing a therapist…? Well, she said that I seem to feel responsible for everything that is happening. I’m not, you’re not. You’re not even responsible for anger – its arises naturally in these situations. Just try and notice and acknowledge it and head off acting it out on Andy.
Josh and I regularly have “fights” at 3am when Wren has woken and woken and woken and we are both just done with it all. It is all okay in the morning.
Oh, and housework? Shmousework. I think that one has to be someone else’s job or be left to do what it will.
I have no answers for you. I’m so sorry that you’ve been dealt such a difficult hand. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I know from my own experience that some days in life go better than others. It sounds like today is “one of those days!” I pray tomorrow will be better.
I’ve been coming here for some time reading and praying for you and your family and all the while wondering “HOW does she do it?” You are not alone in your feelings and how you feel “in the moment” of where you are. I 2 healthy children – a 3 year old and a 1 year old and it is HARD. But I’m utterly AMAZED at what you are able to do an accomplish and manage. Mine are healthy – one is potty trained – they can both feed themselves (1 with her hands, the other with a fork). When I read your post today, I could relate in so many ways – but my hat is off to you as you have a lot more to take care of. Don’t beat yourself up and just know that with time, it WILL get easier. I will continue to pray for you and for Ramona and Simon – you are a strong woman! God bless you!
might it be a control thing? you extend ramona grace because you know she is not able to control the situation … the desire to survive is our strongest human instinct, so you trust she’s doing what she can. you and andy and the rest of the adult world is a different story.
we usually struggle with wanting control and believing we have it or can get it. sometimes I even think our “dependency” on God is a mask for Plan B Operation Control … if I can’t control the situation, at least God can. good news: God IS in control. But, trusting this is not about our security, it’s about humility.
you and andy are not in control. I’m not condescending in the least because I probably struggle with control issues more than anyone, and I’m not down-playing the important role you both have in Ramona’s life … not just as caregiver, but as parent. but, ultimately, you are not in control of this ship. you can row and that is great and God is using you, but God can get you to shore either way. I trust He will get you to shore, Jane … both you and Andy and Ramona and Simon. may not be the coastline you envisioned, but it will be land.
I wanted to say you deserve grace, but then again, we can’t deserve grace, right? How about accept the grace that’s already been extended … your Father, your Mother, your Parent believes you desire to survive and trusts you are doing the best you can.
You are loved.
Jane, I don’t know if you will find this encouraging or not, but here goes anyway. I have 2 kids – Ella is 6 1/2 months, Benjamin will be 2 in one month. For the past week they have both been doing their own version of nap rebellion (for Benjamin, it’s coming running out of his room after a too-short nap and yelling at the top of his lungs, for Ella, it’s screaming in her crib). Anyway – after a week of poor naps and over-tired children, I found myself losing it today when Ella wouldn’t sleep. I was so angry I had to finally just stick her in her crib and leave the room because I couldn’t force myself to be calm anymore.
Anyway – if it happens to those of us with “normal” children, I can only imagine how it must be for you. So I hope you will find this encouraging, that it is totally normal to be unreasonably angry when things in your life are just not going right.
I remember when you showed me your wedding quilt Jane, and explained how you sewed each star, by hand, on the train while on your way to work. Wha???? As a novice sewer, I could not have been more impressed than if you told me you built your house from popsicle sticks. I mention this because a) you DO finish projects and b) you do what others (me) think are really, really hard. When your resources are low, it’s gotta feel hard for you too. Take a breather, accept the help that is there, and forgive yourself for getting angry. I think you’re doing a GREAT job.
Love,
Molly
Jane,
I am hard on myself as well.When it comes to my job I feel like I am not doing enough or that what ever I do won’t work out ( old tapes). I am scared of failure and I work as hard as I can to make things “perfect”. I am over vigulant and sometimes that dosn’t help. I have been told that I am beating myself up , probably because of past failures. We are doing the best we can. Its the best you can do in your circumstance. Be gentle with yourself Jane, you can’r do it all.
Love Aunt Ro
“if only’s” suck dirt. And that is my professional opinion. ‘if only’s’ are never ‘what is’ and that’s what makes us so mad. Sometime just acknowleding our frustration honestly, in the moment can really relieve the tension and anger.
I find yelling something like “This is the BIG CRAPOWSKI” to be the most effective tactic. Because, man, it’s the truth.
I love you, Jane. I owe you a phone call. I will pay up on that debt soon!
Jane:
I am inspired by your transparent writing style, your honesty and your humble attitude. Mostly, I have fallen in love with Ramona’s spirit. I check the blog daily and have spent some nights reading archives when I should have been sleeping.
Although I cannot relate to your situation in terms of Ramona’s illness, I can relate to many other aspects of your journey through Motherhood. I have 4 children. (9yr Boy, 4yr Boy, 2yr Boy and 8 mo Girl) I am a results driven person that loves a challenge. Results are sometimes slow, if at all, when raising childdren. I have been often called a control freak…type A personality…and God knows what else. I like to think of it as being organized. Having a plan…gotta have a plan.
I have never been so challenged as I am now. My life is a tornado and I am in the middle attempting to keep it together. It has been an incredible adjustment period for me. To not have control, or at least recognize when I can’t. I take it moment by moment. I tackle one obstacle after another, but one at a time. My kids are mostly healthy, so what obstacles are there? It’s all relative. People have 4 kids all the time. I am nothing special. My days start early, they end late, and very occasionally no one wakes up in the night. I actually haven’t slept through the night with any consistency for about 5 years.
Every day is different. Some days it’s easier. Other days, I struggle all day to get by. I look out the window for my husband’s car to pull in, and before he gets through the doorway, I bolt out with the urgency of gasping for air. Like I have been holding my breath all day. I have to take everyday moment by moment. I try to stabilize one kid so I can go on to the next. Hurry and take a quick shower, so I can hurry to get breakfast, so I can get one on the bus. Feed the baby, put her down, hurry to make a lunch that no one will eat, so I can hurry to get the other one ready for preschool, so I can hurry and get the other one down for a nap, so I can hurry, hurry…and do it all over again the next day, and the next day, and the next day…. There’s lunch menus to check, fieldtrip money to remember, baseball games, breathing treatments, doctor’s appointments, dentist, hair cuts…. Saying I am busy just seems to minimize what I actually do.
I usually go to bed feeling guilty for not spending enough time with the kids that day. It’s nine thirty and I am just getting the last one to bed, and he asks me to lay with him. This rat race has been going on for 15 hours already. All I can think about is picking up the house and having a few minutes of quiet. So I tell him, I’ll be right back, but I know he’ll be asleep by then. That’s the idea. I am relieved he is asleep, but feel sad I didn’t lay with him.
I am also a OB nurse. I haven’t worked for a few years. First time parents still crack me up. Especially because I was one of them. Calling the doctor because they have a rash. Bragging to other moms that I did not get my epidural until I was 9 cms. Taking my newborn to Gymboree class to stimulate them. Insisting they do not put that “gel” into my newborns eyes, because they need to see me immediately after birth so we can bond. What an idiot. Like these things are important matters.
For the most part, I know I am doing a good job. It might not be the same way someone else would do it, but I am doing it the best I know how. I am confident about my parenting now. Maybe that comes with experience. There are occasions that I wonder if I did the right thing. And there are lots of occasions when I know I did the WRONG thing. I fix it the best I can and move on. We will make mistakes. It is how we learn. Learning to forgive yourself is the first lesson. I forget lunch money, I am late with permission slips, I lose book orders. I still leave the house with no diapers or wipes in my bag. I typically never have the house picked up and dinner ready when my husband gets home. The kids are alive and I haven’t run away, so I figure it’s all good. I dress my kid in his pajamas for “Pajama Day” on the wrong day, and I have forgotten to send them with “100 things” on the 100th day of school. I like to think I make up for these shortcomings somewhere. I decorate their rooms while they sleep, with streamers and balloons and a HUGE sign the eve of their Birthdays. We have a secrete handshake. We jack the iPod and dance in the kitchen. I keep a journal to each one of them.
I can’t tell you how to fix it. I have not walked in your shoes, and the last thing I want to do is infer I know “what it’s like” for you. My husband says I have no boundries. I get personal with people and they feel exposed. I am basically an open book, and I have a hard time NOT sharing my feelings. With that said, please let me speak from my heart. From mother to mother.
I think all of the bible versus and prayers are an incredible gift people are giving to you through this blog. Lots of encouraging words and uplifting praise on the job you are doing. I can see you have an enormous support system. Use it. You’re fragile and they feel it. Faith is an important part of your survival right now.
First off, I hope you are on some kind of anti-anxiety medication. I take a little patience pill known as Prozac, and it helps me enormously. I am still appropriately annoyed when necessary, it isn’t that magical. If you aren’t on something, I hope you might consider it. For as long as you need.. If it makes you a better Mom, then you deserve to have it.
Next, lets get this straight. You are an amazing mother. What you are dealing with sucks! The tubes and appointments, the surgeries and illnesses. The constant stream of special circumstances. At times, don’t you just want to go back to the beginning, before you knew she was sick. Don’t you just want to take her tubes out and dress her up and take the kids to the mall to play and pretend she is fine?
Jane, you will get through this… Moment by moment. Taking pockets of time and making them into something. If it is 10 minutes to read to Simon. Or an hour to do something for yourself. The first thing is you need to stop feeling guilty that you can’t be everything to everyone. So, the house is not clean. Not important…and if it really bothers you, get a cleaner. Feeling guilty for being a crappy wife. I am sure Andy knows and understands you are stretched to the max. Let this burden fall to the side right now. Lean on each other. One will compensate for the other. So you yelled at him when Ramona threw up. Of course, it was his fault…he was the only other person around to blame! Unreasonable outbursts are part of being an effective mother, if you ask me.
You are not flawed or broken, nor are you a disappointment to anyone. Guess what…some days our best isn’t enough. That’s fine, you get the opportunity for a do-over tomorrow. No big deal. I just want to hold your face in my hands and look into your eyes and say, “It’s is ok to not be perfect. You need to get it together, forgive yourself, and bear down for the next hurdle”. You aren’t going to make all the right moves. No one expects you to have all the answers, just know where to find them.
Simon and Ramona look to you for strength and guidance. YOU are their “person”. Every day is a challenge that forces you to examine what kind of mom you can be. I can’t tell you everything will be fine or Ramona will be ok. It’s irrelevant anyway, because you still have the “now “ to deal with. Find what works. Get some medication to help take the edge off, lean on your support system more, find something for yourself so you feel like you have not completely lost your own identity…..have a cocktail with lunch. What? Some days it works.
I have to go clean up the fruit punch my 2yr old just emptied out onto the floor.
I hope this all came out the way I wanted it to.. You can always write me. NitchieAZ@aol.com
Ruby’s Mom
Gosh, Jane, it feels like we’re having the same kind of week. I have been feeling the same way, like my best isn’t good enough, and I’m disappointing to my husband and kids. But interestingly enough, they don’t see it that way. For some reason they are extending me grace.
I think Anne hit the nail on the head when she talked about control. At least for me, when things aren’t going how I planned, when I’m not in control, I get angry. My counselor said it makes sense that after dealing with a situation so completely out of our control (our sick kids) we feel like we have to control everything else in our world. Unfortunately it doesn’t usually work out that way.
Something else she said was that I need to be accepting of a variety of feelings (grateful to be out of the hospital AND angry we had to go there again). Sometimes I get so caught up in how I SHOULD feel I feel guilty if I feel something different.
Anyway, sorry to share all my counselor’s insights with you, but hey–I just saved you an hour and $100! I’m hoping you feel better soon and that you can enjoy the grace that God extends to all of us. You are doing a great job with a very difficult situation!
I definitely don’t have it all figured out. I can only imagine your struggles. I think that you feel especially frustrated because your love for them is instinctive, and makes you want to, and feel like you’re meant to, meet their every need. But remember, no matter what mistakes you make, or how inadequate you feel, no one can ever take your place for Simon and Ramona. No one will ever love them in the same way you do. I personally have never experienced such gut-wrenching love for someone as I do for my son. And his love for me is more than enough in return.
Hey, when all else fails, blame it on the moon!
Thinking of you often and hope to call you soon!
With extended love & Prayers.
Trish
Jane,
I am sorry to hear it was one of those days. Everyone has them…some worse than others. Like the others who posted, I think you should cut yourself some slack. If you owe Andy an apology for whatever was said, say you’re sorry, give him a big old hug and move on. I bet there is not a person out there that has not taken it out on someone they love in the heat of the moment. Just my two cents.
I wish you a peaceful and restful evening tonight.
Suzanne
Dear Jane
Oh, wow…girl, this is motherhood. It’s the seedy underbelly of motherhood but yet, that is the condition. I wish I had some words of wisdom aside from this; This is a moment and it may feel like a forever moment. It will pass and the next moment may feel like heaven and it will be a fleeting moment, perhaps.
And the next day you will have these moments here and again, up and down and the requirement will be that you deny yourself and fill the cup of milk or find a way to “make happen” whatever needs to happen to make life work.
Yes, I think you have an awful lot of added stress and difficulty…AND…the condition is the same. You have chosen motherhood and this is the territory…and it is wonderful and terrifying and exhausting. In the end, I promise it is worthwhile and you are enough.
I love you, dear Jane…you are so very loved…whatever may come-
ang
just a short entry and answer to your question. yes, i think you should extend yourself the same grace and love and goodness that you extend to ramona, simon, andy, and those of us blessed to know you. sarah
Dear Jane:
Reading your post reminded me of a quote that I read earlier this year…
“We can do no great things;
only small things with great love.”
Hope that this helps you get through the weekend. Keep smiling and God bless!
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