When I meet someone who is new to infertility, I always have in mind a few things I’d like to share with them if the opportunity arises. One is that infertility is a multi-faceted loss. It’s not just not having a baby. As you move through your grief, you have to face new losses, big and small, that haven’t occured to you before. Some big losses on my list were: the ability to plan your future, genetic continuity, being “like other people”, experiencing the fullness of what our bodies were made to do and parenting the next generation.

The other thing I like to share is my action plan for surviving through the unknowns and ups and downs of planning a family under difficult circumstances. I truly believe that anyone who wants to resolve their infertility(which doesn’t neccessarily mean getting pregnant) and raise a family only needs three things: Patience, persistence, and flexibilty.

When we first began trying for a baby in 2003 I remember saying to Andy, “We should try this month because if we wait another month the baby will come during wedding season.” I was very adamant on the point. I was so sure that we would get pregnant on the first try that I was trying to schedule it for my maximum convenience. It took me only about three months to become a completely desperate, temperature-taking, cervix-checking, mucous-obsessed wreck. I had charts. All changes in mood, headaches, bowel disturbances, even “marital activity” were dutifully recorded. I think I figured that if I just put every thought in my head into getting pregnant, it would happen. But it didn’t. And I was impatient. I think everyone going through infertility goes through this stage. But this is no way to build a family, especially if you’re going to be in it for the long haul. You can’t live like that. You need patience.

But that’s not to say you should just use the “relax, have a glass of wine and don’t worry it’ll happen” method either. There’s the old joke going around about the guy stranded on his roof who refuses all types of rescue because he’s so sure God will save him (if you haven’t heard this joke, stop someone on the street, they’ll tell it to you). If you’ve been trying the old-fashioned way for awhile and want to look into some other things, go for it. Which is not to say you couldn’t wait ten years and whammo, it’s just that if it’s something you really want it’s good to be persistent. It helps pass the time and might even get you on the path God has had for you all along. I think God calls us to be persistent.

But I think the most important of the three is the last. Be flexible. Consider your infertility losses and decide which of those is most important. For Andy and me, the opportunity to parent the next generation was top on our list, so we had a lot of options. Which is not to say we didn’t have to grieve the loss of control, the lost time and the loss of our first pregnancy. I’ve talked to folks considering adoption who are very concerned that they might get a “delayed” or “unhealthy” baby. I think we have this fantasy as first-time parents-to-be that a biological child will be a perfect combination of our best qualities and any adopted child will be a step down from that. I always told them that having a biological baby was no guarantee either. It’s a crap shoot. You get what you get. You get what God gives. And I can say from experience that by being flexible we were led to adoption and have been blessed with the cutest, sweetest and most wonderful son we could ever have hoped for. Way better than the Brangelina baby I had in my fantasies.

So I’m trying to apply my three things to our journey with Ramona. I try to remind myself that her future will not be revealed to us today or tomorrow. We’re in for a long haul and we have to be patient. But we don’t just have to sit back and feel powerless. We should pursue the best treatment, the most compassionate care and try and act on ways we can make her life as comfortable as possible right now. We can acknowledge that the doctors know a lot, but not everything, and be persistent in following our instincts. And most importantly, we have to be flexible. We have to trust and know that what we had planned for Ramona may not be God’s plan for her. We have to trust that God works things for good. We have to be thankful for all the unexpected blessings that we know “Plan B” has in store for us.

And continue to acknowledge our pain and sadness. It’s a tight rope. Thanks for walking the line with us,

Jane