Have I been grumpy lately? I think I have and I think I’ve found the culprit. It’s not the stomach flu. It’s not the 24-hour zombie schedule. Oh, and it’s definitely not ennui.

Gentlemen (and you gentler women), you might want to jam your fingers in your ears and start singing The Battle Hymn of the Republic because I just got my period and I’m about to discuss it.

I’m not that surprised, Ramona has been effectively weaned since a few days after her surgery. But I am surprised at what a foul mood I’ve been in. I’d forgotten the feelings of impatience, anger and despair and I’d forgotten how hard it is to snap out of it. Ever since we lost our first pregnancy, that red blood has always seemed like a death to me. The death of another month’s hope, the death of a child that never was. In this case, the death, in some ways, of my idyllic time at home with my two bouncing babies.

But things at home from a rational perspective are going much, much better. The weather is beautiful. Ramona is really hanging in there, I even took her out in the stroller for a walk with her portable oxygen! I’ve gotten over my flu. We just bought a small futon for Ramona’s room so I can try to sleep while we run her feeding pump. We’re getting organized and I’m starting to feel like this might actually be humanly possible. The photo today is pre-surgery. It was taken shortly before Simon’s first haircut, which is why he looks like he’s wearing a bad toupee. When I look at this photo, I remember the joy and the pride I felt that day. That I was managing, that I was doing something good and worthwhile. Aside from being a little worse for wear and a lot more uncertain about our future, that’s pretty much how I feel today.

So that’s my update. Thanks for caring and listening. Jane.

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