The past few days have been rough. Andy and I are tired in body and spirit. Simon has cabin fever. Ramona has been going through some Ativan withdrawal. We’re all still fighting this cold. So fear, anger and resentment have been taking hold in the places in my heart where hope is fading. I’ve been short with Andy. I’ve felt panic and desperation when I’ve had both babies to myself. I’ve been jealous that Andy “gets” to go off to work.

So last night when Andy and I were trying discuss some minor issues and grievances, it just seemed like too much. Like it was hopeless. Like we might as well just give up and go to bed. We kept going over and over the same ground and getting nowhere. Finally Andy said, “What is it you want from me?”. I thought for a moment. I was tempted to fire back with, “You’re probably not capable of it, but…”. Instead I took a deep breath and bared my heart, “I want compassion, tenderness, nurturing and care to come first, before exhortation, before constructive criticism.”

Andy is a truth-teller. He highly values righteousness and integrity. I love this about him. Sometimes, though, I just need a hug. So when he came over, hugged me, and listened while I cried like a two year old I knew he had gone out of his comfort zone. Set aside judgement for mercy.

That’s a lesson we’re learning a lot these days. When I used to hear about someone who was struggling in their life I would immediately wonder what they had done to bring it on themselves and next decide what they should be doing to correct it. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, buck up, etc. I know this sounds unbeliveably smug and self-righteous. It is!

But mostly nowadays I just think, “That must be really hard, I wonder if I can help.” Or, “What a journey they are on!”. I think maybe my urge to judge and my desire to distance myself from trouble or perceived weakness were keeping me from seeing the blessing of going through hard times.

And this is the first time in my life that I’ve resonated with the beatitudes. I think I see now that the beat down are blessed not because they will receive some future prize for their suffering. They are blessed in the now with humility, the prize is really feeling your own powerlessness and smallness before God. The blessing is a greater intimacy with God that comes from really feeling your dependence on His providence.

So today I am grateful for the mercy and care that we are showing each other. I am hopeful that these difficult times will bless us with compassion and wisdom and understanding. That the callous of self-righteousness and judgement on my heart will be slow to grow back. And I am asking for your prayers. That we will continue to be a comfort to one another. That our togetherness will be a balm. That Ramona will grow. That her heart and spirit will be nurtured by us as carefully as we have tended her body.

Thanks, as always, for listening, Jane.