I’ve gotten a lot of questions from folks about why Ramona is not going up to the Cardiac Floor before her discharge. I’m going to try and explain as best I can, the way the nurses have explained it to me, although sometimes I don’t even get it.

Ramona’s heart defect is extremely rare and severe. Although Tetralogy of Fallot is fairly common in the world of congenital heart defects, the pulmonary atresia and miniscule pulmonary arteries that Ramona has make her case very problematic. The surgeons and doctors feel that Ramona has no more treatment options, besides what they have already done and are continuing to do, unless she is able to grow her arteries.

But this does not mean her condition is very stable. They feel that if they sent her up to the cardiac floor, the nurses would kick her back down to the PICU the first time they gave her a bath or changed her clothes. Her desats tend to be very dramatic. Which raises the question, “Why on earth would they send her home with us if they don’t feel she can even hack it on the floor?”

It goes back to her uncertain prognosis. Because they can’t really do much more for her, just oxygen, meds and feeding tube, it’s really important that she come home with us and thrive and grow. It’s her only chance at a long-term future. The nurse told me this morning that if she continues to be readmitted and can’t stay stable at home with us, that we would bring her back and “let her run her course”, which I think is code for hospice.

So we’re scared about bringing her home and failing. I’m scared that she won’t sleep well and therefore she’ll get into another downward spiral and we’ll have to bring her back again. I’m scared that as her body grows, her arteries won’t be able to keep up. Again, the nurse told me this morning that if her oxygen numbers start to drift downward at home, there’s not much they can do to get them back up, so we’ll have to talk at that point about comfort measures and hospice.

I’m so grateful that she has managed to get this far and really hoping that we’ll enjoy our time at home with her this time. But I’m also just terrified that this will be the thing Ramona just can’t conquer.

Pray for peace, bravery and sleep for us all,

Jane.